Keziah Brevard‘s diary, Sunday, November 18, 1860:
This is a bright healthy morn — nothing so mean of God’s creation as man. Mary & Harry asked for papers to go to James H. Adams’ this morning — I refused them — I knew ’twas nothing good taking them there. I think it is strange we have such ungovernable spirits — I think I strive to be good, to be a christian, I mean I try to do as I think my Lord & Master would have me to do — but Oh My God this rebellious heart — I mourn over its depravity & wonder why God does not help me up — when I so ardently desire to do better — sometimes I feel a ray of comfort — then all is banished & I am disconsolate for my short comings — Why is it so — Oh my God! am I so lukewarm that thou permitest Satan to come between thee & me? Oh My God remember thy servant is only frail human nature — an unworthy vessel — have mercy on me & fashion me to thy will — Oh have mercy & draw me to thee & do not let despair drag me to Hell — Oh my God help! help! all this day have I been pleading for an interest in thee — still felt dreadful at my distance from thee.
I find myself wondering two things. First, what were her slaves, Mary and Harry, going to do at the neighbor’s plantation (about 3 miles away) that was so bad? And second, what depravity was Keziah so tortured by? I’m sure my imagination is much more lurid than the truth.